wrong place at the wrong time

going to toronto always makes me sad. I have a good time, without fail, but the problem is I have to leave and come back here, london, ontario, which is essentially a provincial hick town compared to toronto.

I've always been a city boy, never 100% at ease in the country. that's not to say I don't enjoy being out of the city - like everyone, I need a break from the constant buzz, the stress and the tension, the pollution. it's rejuvinating to go for huge rambling walks in forests, see the stars clearly, not through a blanket of smog, smell the clean, crisp air - but I was never, as a kid, comfortable with climbing trees, building forts, being covered in mud, all sorts of stuff most boys did. not me - maybe it was something to do with my allergies. or maybe that's why I have allergies, I didn't play in the dirt enough when young, vicky says.

anyway. now I need the constant thrum of the city, something happening everywhere all the time, it's a non-stop heartbeat, all it needs is a call from a friend and I can be there, wherever 'there' is, whatever 'it' is which is happening. the people, the lights, the noise - it's part of me now, I can't get on without that feeling.

so it's somewhat unfortunate I've never lived in this environment for any length of time. belfast is hardly the most happening of cities, st. andrews is a provincial, isolated small-town-mindset backwater, london is a bland city, full of jocks, jock bars and dance clubs.

I need choice, variety, and there is none here, just miles of stripmalls, all filled with starbucks and the gap, and everyone acts and dresses the same.

I need many indie record stores with owners who are enthusiastic and excited and wouldn't mind me going in and spending an hour or two listening to records and then not buying anything; arthouse cinemas which show films other than hollywood blockbusters, and when they show them they stay for more than a week; 24hr cafes with character, not soulless bland coffeeshops devoid of any kind of atmosphere; gigs, concerts; people with interesting haircuts walking around downtown; second hand clothes shops; local artists who are genuine, not pretentious and snooty; energy, a buzz, a scene.

I need to find out if my problem is actually the place where I am, or more likely, myself.