snow mixed with tears

i don't think that any human being has ever made me feel as low as he made me feel. during the month that we were 'going out' i was wrapped around his finger. he had these eyes that i got lost in. he wasn't an attractive bloke, really. he had facial features much like a mouse or other vermin. oh, but his eyes, they were beautiful; light brown with flecks of green. they just sucked me in. and that was the beginning of the end.

he talked me into doing two things i would never have done had it not been for him, one of which is something i'd rather not mention. the other was put a cigar in my mouth, which was completely horrific, even though it was not lit. we made out in the wal-mart parking lot. he got me to break my curfew. he talked me into skipping class. we made out under my friend chris' pool table while three couples made out. i told my parents we were all hanging out watching natural born killers. sure...the movie was on, but not a one of us was watching the screen. too busy unbuttoning buttons and kissing places that should probably not be kissed while in a garage with two other couples.

every time he spoke to me it was in a manner that made me feel inferior to him in every way. i didn't understand a few of the words he used, which made me feel like he was smarter than me. i learned later that he didn't use a lot of the 'big words' properly even. when he finally dumped me, i found out that he'd been planning on dumping me two weeks into our relationship. i also learned that my best friend and her boyfriend had known this the whole time, but didn't want to break my heart because i seemed so happy. and i thought i was happy, but it didn't really click into place what a louse he really was until he came over as a 'friend' after he'd dumped me. we went into the unfinished part of my basement and he told me that he was 'comfortably numb' and that he couldn't love anyone as a result of this.

i thought about it for awhile and he said something about feeling like he was on a higher level than i was, intellectually, and that was another reason why we would not work as a couple. i became really upset and told him to leave, which he did, after some hesitation. i went upstairs and tried to talk to my mom about the situation. she said something about not liking him very much in the first place and i flipped out in typical 11th grade fashion. i grabbed my journal and a few pens and ran outside into the snow and towards one of my favourite spots; a holly tree where we'd built a litle seat halfway up. i scribbled and scribbled and didn't feel it as the flakes hit my skin. of course, i had not thought to grab a jacket. as the flakes flew down from above, tears streamed down my face. it wasn't long before the scribbles on the page became smeared with flakes and tears. every time i see a weathered piece of paper, i always think of that day. when the pages dried, they made a magnificent sound; the sound of one thing ending and another beginning. the pages of my journal have not made a sound that beautiful since that day, but i always wish that they would.